Friday, October 26, 2012

FLawless




 I saw the Minnesota Timberwolves play the other night.

I saw them play in Winnipeg and they played the starless and destitute Detroit Pistons in a pre-season exhibition game.

That's a nothing game.

The Wolves are missing Kevin Love with a broken hand, one of the top 10 players in the league who is slowly building a historic career. Ricky Rubio, the Spanish guard that has Nash-like flare and a torn up knee is out. 

So I get it. No star power.

But Brandon Roy is somehow a professional basketball player again, after being forced to retire as an unbelievable still-young player with no cartilage left in his knees. He showed up, he started, and the crowd cheered when he began the game with the ball in his hands. Like, legitimate appreciation that he was back in the NBA. In WINNIPEG MANITOBA CANADA, the fans knew that this guy deserved some love for making a comeback.

So give the Winnipeg sports fans some respect, Gary Lawless.

Writing the article "NBA better than nothing" in the Free Press is doing what the world outside Winnipeg expects us to say. And you said it. And it's not true.

There are sports leagues outside of this city, and people follow them. Some of which aren't locked out right now. I love hockey, but they're ignoring fans right now. Ignore them back.

There's no such thing as a boring story, just a boring way to tell it. And Gary Lawless is a bored writer complaining about boring things.

If the NHL is locked out, why isn't he? He doesn't want to talk about sports. He wants to talk about hockey. And other things, none of which are about sports:

"...the media meal was free and yes I hit the buffet twice and grabbed a couple cookies on the way out. So the night wasn't a total loss."

"The Timberwolves Dance Team? I won't lie. I had a look.
The promotional contests were different than those at hockey games. Refreshing? Sure."

Nice effort.




Cheers

Monday, October 15, 2012

Desperation

Lets face it, finding love the old fashioned way (Lavalife.com) is a thing of the past. I mean sure, it can be handy for arranging those 2 ½ bottles-of-wine-and-rug-burn kind of dates, but what about MEANINGFUL love? I’m talking about the kind of love where one can take a poop while the other one showers, or where you hold each other and cry when you find out IKEA is coming to your city.
There’s only one answer to that:

Television! Cameras! Ratings! Saline! Tanning beds!
 
Shows like The Bachelor have become the new dinner and a movie, and they practically always end in true love. This latest one I found is called Desperation, and it's on a weird foreign channel that I can only get during thunderstorms. Here are the characters.

The Bachelor

Chad
Chad is a simmering steak of sex. Lightly seasoned with good looks and great hair, his tenderness makes him a medium-rare but his hard upbringing and tight biceps are nothing short of well-done. Born and raised in Venice, Italy, Chad moved to Saskatchewan when he was five but never quite lost his European flare. He lives like a 6-figure playboy with the down-to-earth personality of a city bus driver, mainly because he's a city bus driver who makes 6 figures. Ladies have never been a problem for Chad, but he's been nothing but trouble for the ladies, and their daughters, and their mothers, and their grandmothers. Chad hopes that going on TV to find his true love will be his last dance, but if it isn't, he's always got a full Contacts list to fall back on.


The Ladies


 Jenna
Jenna likes water skiing, playing soccer, and spending time at the cabin. Summer and spring are her favourite seasons, and Gary and Bruce are her favorite names for a bulldog. She doesn't own bulldogs, or even one bulldog, but if she did she would undoubtedly name them Gary and Bruce, no questions asked.












Rachel
We could sit here and describe Rachel all day, but one look at her ankles and you'd know she's a vixen looking for fun. She enjoys regular stuff like playing the spoons or fetching pails of water, and when she's feeling naughty she'll sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and play on the typewriter.









Brittney K.
Brittney K. is sick of the ups and downs of single life, and all the jokers she's had to meet in her pursuit of love. Her favourite place in the world is bingo on Tuesday nights, and she would expect her soul mate to join her at bingo on Tuesday nights. Perhaps after a while she'd be willing to accommodate Thursday night bingo, but that would mean two nights of bingo a week because she's not willing to give up Tuesday night bingo. Tuesday night bingo will always be a constant in her life no matter what.



Skyler
 Skyler is finally 21 and she has the ID to prove it! Not one to kiss and tell, she has several friends that have made it to third base and she's pretty sure she knows what that means. After college, Skyler wants to be either a vet or a fragrance model but none of that matters. For Skyler, real life can wait - right now it's all about partying!




 
Rachelle
Rachelle's clearly a dog dressed up as a human woman.










 
Brittney L.
What is there to say about Brittney L? She's sexy, she's smart, and when she ok screw it Brittney L. is a guy named Dave.





 
Delores
Delores is like a Rorschach test. What do you see? I see a bat and a lawn gnome.
















Eve
This one's a 2-for-1 deal. Jin likes doing sudokus, birdwatching, and playing video games. Eve runs on a 60V battery or can be plugged into the wall.









  

Horse
A horse.














Desperation has had me glued to the television for a few weeks now and some shocking twists have already gone down (don't worry, Chad still doesn't know Rachelle's secret and Horse is still in the running). I suggest you give it a try.

Cheers.