Sunday, September 30, 2012

NFL Replacement Refs: Where are they now?

 Following 'Janie's Gun', an Aerosmith cover band, around the state of Missouri and taking advantage of the benefits that come with looking like Clint Eastwood.

Asking her boyfriend stuff like "Which one's Tom Brady?" and "OMG doesn't that hurt?!"

Started a podcast about his cat, Ruffles.

Still deciding whether it's worth bending over to pick up that quarter. It looks pretty shiny. But really, what is 25 cents even worth these days?

Traveling the world taking hilarious pictures of himself picking the Sphinx's nose, holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, squishing the Eiffel Tower, etc.

Just workin' for that weekend, bro.

These aren't actually referees, they're women playing football in lingerie. Which apparently exists.

 On the comedy club circuit doing Seinfeld impressions. "What's the deal with Gatorade?"

Still answering all that fan mail.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Old Fiddle Kills Old Man

Police tape stretched between an old rocking chair and used cat toys this morning, separating the contents of Paulie's Pawn Shop from police officers on their coffee break.

At 6:10 a.m. police were called to a disturbance at 850 20th Street by a passerby who heard raucous music. By 7:25 police had discovered the body of Paulie Notshore, 80, owner of Paulie's Pawn Shop and an overall solid dude.

At approximately 3 a.m. Brenda Whitman, 60, left what can only be described as a non-reputable drinking establishment and heard loud and raucous fiddle music coming from the back of the pawn shop.

"I was dancing outside Paulie's for about three hours. Danced 'til my clothes fell off," said Whitman.

After several hours of lewd and disturbing dancing by Whitman, the music died and she became worried.

"That Paulie, he just never stops. I knew as soon as that music died that he probably had too. And lo-and-behold, I follow the police in through the window they smashed and Paulie is lyin' there, pants around his ankles, clutching an old fiddle."

Constable Bruce Sleuth said upon entering the back room of the pawn shop, he knew a crime had been committed.

"Mr. Notshore was just lying there, not breathing, not blinking, not saying a word. Almost daring me to a blinking contest. So I did. And when he beat me, I thought 'this isn't right'.

It took approximately 20 minutes for police to decide which window to enter the shop through, and another 30 for Notshore to be pronounced dead.

The accused fiddle was eventually confiscated and treated somewhat as evidence, but could then later be heard being played by an on-duty officer.

"Thought I'd take her for a spin" said the unnamed, un-badged officer.

The steely glare of a cold-blooded killer

The fiddle, a blonde 5-string with 2 dark moustaches and a medium build, has prior charges of murder in the first degree, rape and battery, stealing batteries from Giant Tiger, not picking up its dog's poop when it takes it for a walk, and a whole bunch of other really bad stuff.

It remains with police for questioning and could not be reached for comment.

Whitman remains optimistic about the ordeal, but says it will be quite some time before she trusts another fiddle.

"Can you give me a ride home?"