What up ya'll. My name is Malachy AKA DA PRINCE PEKINGESE AKA BIG SWEEP AKA YOUR ROYALTY AKA KISS DA RINGZ. This is my story.
PSYCH! If you've never heard of me you can pick your weak ass up off the flo' and use that door! Don't let it hit you on the way out either, cuz I probably own that door. I OWN! I have crazy investments everywhere and you probably even work for me. I'm your bozz.
K so straight up it's like this. I'm not one bit surprised I won Westminster this year and that shouldn't surprise ya'll either. But I'd be crazy clueless if I didn't think some of you out there wuz HATERS, and now you recognize my grandeur. GRAND! EUR! I like iz crazy successful. But yo, I'll let you scratch my belly if you wanna scratch it, you know what I mean? A wize man once sed 2 me that if people want to love you, you best let them. Because If I wuz you, I'd luv my ass too. I WIN!
ANYwaze, game day was pretty standard. I was saggin' from the night before, cuz if any of you have ever been to Westminster before (probs haven't, it's elite) your weak asses would know that the night before is off tha hook. Like, prolly 30 shots sorta thing? Wuz absolutely WASTED with that girl from Survivor. She was the one who was crying cuz she missed her family cuz they wuz in the jungle or whatever? K ya whateverz. She was hot. And ya, we made out hard. She wasn't the only one that night (OBVS) but defs the first gurl from Survivor I ever hooked up wit. DOUBT IT'S DA LAST THO!!!11
So whatevs, ated my pre-game burrito like usual and just threw on my shades in the back of da limo on the way 2 da showz. HUNG! But I knew whut I had 2 do so I just didn't stress.
By the time we showed up I was sorta trippin. I ated McDonalds the night before cuz I was starving (always get hungry when I do drugs) and it was almost show time. OH NO, PRE-GAME DEUCE!! So I told da boyz I was gonna go look for a bathroom to do my thing at. I was wearing a toque and hoodie cuz A. I was looking like shit, and B. MEDIA! FANZ! Celebs trying to get endorsements and shitz from me! So I gotta roll low profile, you know?
So I'm looking around for da poop room and out of nowhere I run into none other than:
DA MINDFREAKZ! CRISS ANGEL!
I was like CRISSCRISSCRISS yelling my head off at him but he obvs couldn't tell who I wuz cuz of my toque and shades, so he didn't say anything back but whateverz I was busy too and he is probably a big fan of mine so I don't really think I could stop and chat anyway.
Did my thing in the bathroom and was like SO GOOD LETS DO THIS!!1
And then I won the show. Don't need to tell you bout that cuz you obvs watched it fo sho. This is wut I have to sez about my competitors tho:
Dalmatian - Relax wit da spots!
Dachshund - Ur name sounds like a sneeze. Bless you.
German shepherd - Ur ugly, go back to Germania. Leave your girlfriend here.
Doberman pinscher - Didn't see him pinch nobody. All bark no bite (pun).
Irish setter - Nobody cares about gingers.
Kerry blue terrier - Not blue. Dunno who Kerry is but she makes shitty dogs.
After I won, it was pretty much like this for da next couple dayz:
|OH YA BABY take my picturez, those shits last longer. No autographs tho. I don't have thumbs.|
I know what you fellas are gonna ask, so I'll just say this: Yes I did! And she iz a freak!
|I'm like already half cut.|
|Not now lady, we are on da newz!|
So ya, total party time stuff. And like I said b4, maybe a lot of peeple like me more now, but whatever. I wud love me too If I was so as unsweet as you were compared to how sweet I iz. So we don't even bother going there.
So what happens now for Da Big Sweep AKA DA PRINCE PEKINGESE?