Friday, November 25, 2011

O is for...Ovi

Ohhh Ovi.

Look what you've done, Ovi.

You've gone and left your homework 'til the last minute, and now you're late. He's back already, and what have you done?

He gave you nearly a year.

"Here, take the league" he said. "Just TAKE IT!"

But what have you got to show for it? And who is to blame?

Is it how they talk about him? How good they say he is? I told you, don't listen to them! He grabbed a couple garbage goals in his first game back, big deal.

Maybe that's it. Maybe they just talk about him too much. It worries you, I can tell. I can see it on your little sasquatch face. Maybe we need some Ovi time.

Yeah, that's it. Let's have some Ovi time.

 Remember when he didn't win the Calder, but you did? Sure, he has a cup. But you won the Calder! Rookie of the Year! It took him a whole 'nother year to win any awards. And none of those were the CALDER!

OMG, and when you were scoring goals on your back?! That was sooo rad. You would jump into the boards after you scored, and smile that toothless grin. Sure, the Capitals sucked, but at least nothing was expected of you. Those times were sooo fun. Brutal jerseys though.

Okay, these times were really fun. Party time! He never gets caught doing this kinda stuff. This is pretty much when you started getting cool. You ain't cool if you don't party!  Shredded jeans + 30 year-old women + Andrei Markov = THE MAN.

I've gotta say though, some of these pictures are weird. And those shorts are pretty weird. How 'bout we say this: European speed on the ice? Absolutely. European hands with the puck? Definitely. European women? Sure, go nuts. European wardrobe? Maybe not in public.

Flattening Jagr in the Olympics was pretty cool. Who won that tourney again? Ah, who cares.

And your commercials. Ohhh man, your commercials. Maybe it's your teeth, maybe it's your broken English; either way, you are goddamn funny. And they can say all they want about him, but your commercials are ten times better than his.

So don't worry Ovi, we still like you. All I'm asking is that you pretend to give a damn, win something he hasn't, and go score some goddamn goals.


Monday, November 21, 2011

N is for...Nike

If you hate AIDS and dress like Satan, Nike has some great new stuff for you.

Because Nike cares so much about the well-being of people, they've just released a few (Red) products to help raise awareness and fight AIDS, or something.

Because nothing says "I care!" like red shoelaces.

I wasn't even aware that (Red), a campaign that helps companies sell product by glamorizing a worldwide epidemic, still existed. So glad it does though, because now I have a reason to buy a new backpack.

Speaking of epidemics, there's whispering going on about Nike swallowing up their identical competitor, Under Armour. The sooner I don't have to see Under Armour's god-awful logo on the hats and hoodies of armchair athletes, the better. Perhaps Nike could snap up TAPOUT gear while they're at it.

Ridding the world of douchey lifestyle brands? Now that's a cause I can support.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

M is for...Making it

I'm hoping the second season of HBO's How to Make It in America catches on bigger than the first did.

A show about the daily hustle in the working world, How to Make It follows a primarily young-and-hot crowd in New York who probably don't know a thing about hard work but Hey! they look really good. And the two main characters, Ben and Cam, are trying to start their own clothing line, so models and trendy clothing ensue.

For as long as I've watched it, I know far more people who aren't familiar with it than are. And I don't really know why. It's from the same creators of Entourage, a show that got more than it's fair share of publicity.

Unfortunately, How to Make It is now in its second season and I think it might've started to grow Entourage-like limbs. I won't completely hate on Entourage, but as a show that stayed afloat through numerous mildly awkward cameo appearances by young and cool celebrities, it had the tendency to get a little...douchey?

I'm worried that because Entourage finally wrapped up its last season, How to Make It in America has now been called up from the minors to play in the big leagues of swooping camera shots and slow-speaking athlete appearances. Its first season was raw, and I liked it that way.

Check out a trailer and see if you like it. Oh wait, there's a trailer right here!

Here are my 3 reasons to check it out.

#3 NYC
 Tons of sexy shots taken in the streets of the city. How to Make It is a glorified tourism video.

#2 The clothes
Because the show's based around creatives and designers, all the characters rock some pretty tight gear. I know, pretty lame reason to watch a show; but the style in the streetwear and nightlife draw a lot of attention to themselves.

#1 Luis Guzman
One of the best character actors around. In How to Make It he plays an ex-con loan shark who's constantly struggling to keep his hustle legal, and not get caught doing it.


Friday, November 04, 2011

K is for...Killa Kam

Somebody explain to me why Cam'ron was ever rapping about Winnipeg. Either way, this one is an oldie and a goodie.

Canary burgundy
I call it lemon red
Yellow diamonds in my ear
Call em lemonheads
Lemonhead end up dead
Ice like Winnipeg
Gemstones Flintstones
You could say I'm friends with Fred