Thursday, March 17, 2016

B is for...Bloggin' @ 28



Now that I'm 28 and my ovaries are separating, making the chances of having a child with myself STATISTICALLY slimmer (not factoring in how many eggs I think I could produce if I actually tried), I must start looking into my past in order start to discovering my future. This 28 will be like no other 28 I have been before - it will be a 28 like no other. And it will most certainly be the last time I do it and therefor must go out with bangs. But just like Keanu in The Matrix, I must take a red aspirin and discover an entirely new world made of guys with one face.


Most people will be asking me in the following days "What does it feel like to be 28"? and I don't know what I'm going to say. My computer says 11:58 right now which means I'm still a 27 year old spring chicken. Which, now that I think of it, sounds like a pretty gross chicken. If we were at your grandpa's farm and you pointed to the chicken over there, the one hidden in the back over there. And you said "that one's 27", I imagine it would look old and gross. But anyway.

Physically, I feel good for 28. My knees both have annoying osgood-schlatter that probably will never go away and my shoulder still makes a clicking sound. Sometimes I wake up and my hands are covered in someone else's blood. And other times, my back will go and I'm laid up for a day or two. But really, at 28 I feel great.

I also feel great mentally. I'm cool with being this age. I'm definitely not young anymore and for every hair on my head that buys a condo on my back, another passable reason for being an adolescent shit head is cast too, like a dead follicle through the thing at the start of Days of our Lives. Time to grow up and quit farting around, *he wrote into his unpaid blog*. But at the same time, it's not like I'm 30 or anything! hahaha, that would be GROSS!


Anyway, the time is now well past midnight and I'm 28. It's mental. The wet behind my ears from Mountain Dew and chloriney hotel pool water at friends' birthday parties is gone. Just minutes after the hand struck midnight, my laundry was dry and I folded slacks - I used to own pants. I imagine there will be more of these kinds of anomalies, so just like those psychos who Google the Steven Avery case before seeing the end of Making a Murderer, I Googled what 28 will be like to find out the answers instead of just watching the goddamn show.

Quora.com
Do people start to feel old at 28 years old?

Hila BaginMSc BioMedCompSciEng, Polyglot, opportunistic webdeveloper
I have felt like a 40 yo most of my 20s mostly because my life's experiences, the bad ones, have propelled me to a higher lvl of maturity than my peers. 


It hasn't been to my advantage - it would have been had I known or had the connections to "serious people" - deciders in industry, politics. Those were and still are people I can instantaneously connect with. But no one will talk to the guy with the unpronounceable last name, no matter how nice he is. Doesn't ring bells, won't open doors. 

So while my age peers lived and developed passions, I had my passion crushed by grim reality. 

Feeling old comes,IMHO, from perceived isolation - consider that retirees who live in communities where they have a lot of interaction with other people, preferably younger ones as well, have been found to age slower, be more flexible on their thinking and all around more compassionate.


Hila makes a great point. He's a Polyglot which, when Googled, means "able to read or write several languages". Crazy.
Bad life experiences will definitely mature someone quickly, I mean look at Elian Gonzalez. But when looking for "serious people in industry" and "politics" to succeed, UGH! right? I can't find them anywhere either. Then Hila starts losing me during the "unpronounceable last name" part. If Steve Wozniak can build a computer and Lupita Nyong'0 can win an Oscar, Hila Bagin can connect with "serious people".

Then Hila got a little dark. "Grim reality" sounds more like a 30+ year old sort of word, and I think we need to qualify what "grim" and what "reality" is. In my mind, Grim is

And when I think of reality, I think of:


That's right, Snookie screaming into a phone. Yikers.
I think what Hila needs to remember is to lighten up and maybe even just chill also. Being a polyglot is tiring and we all get in the weeds. But blaming old folks homes isn't fair. Those people are our grannies and grandpas and nonas and grand pappies and omas and opas and yoyo's and wah wahs and heydy howdy doody.

Not really getting much closure with that answer, I feel the need to delve deeper into what 28 really means. Here are some facts:

Paul McCartney dissolved the Beatles the month before his 28th birthday.
This doesn't surprise me because the Beatles were soft and Paul McCartney was lucky Ringo was the least cool member of the Beatles because he was next. And trust me, I get that you disagree. I get it.

Alexander Bell was "in the throes of inventing the telephone - the breakthrough comes a week after his 29th birthday". This is perfect because it means I still have time. Even though phones are already invented I don't think I could invent a phone. But I have a year to figure it out.

Quentin Tarantino debuted Reservoir Dogs when he was 28.
That is insane. That movie might not only be Tarantino's best but it made no money and is remembered for about a million reasons. It's a classic. And he was 28 when he made it, and went on to make his own genre. I can't do that but maybe I will watch some of his movies this year..?

Quora. com
If you could time travel and meet your 28-year-old self, what would you say?

Ellen Vrana
That awkward, anti-social, drunk guy who just pretended to insult you and has an unhealthy obsession with Kelly Clarkson actually likes you.  He has the wooing skills of a 3rd grader.  

 
He's going to as
k you on a date.  
 
It won't seem like a date, because, well, the location, atmosphere, conversation, continued social awkwardness and the fact that you'll have a major mishap involving a car and a parking lot.  
 
But it is a date. And he's perfect for you.
 
Realize this and you can spend 1 more month with the love of your life.

K THAT'S CUTE!

Cheers, and Happy St. Patrick's Day

Friday, April 19, 2013

A is for Animosity



 This week's insanity in Massachusetts (apologies to Waco, Texas, but the action up North is just simply way more Michael Bay) has been borderline unfollowable. The breakneck speed in which events have played out has been a grueling litmus test for modern media coverage, and with a key part of the story still unwritten and presumably running around a residential neighborhood of Boston's suburbs, we can't really give a final grade on how the media has dealt with it all. Don't get me wrong, it's been nothing short of Larry, Curly and Moe, no doubt in my mind. But you can't mark an exam until it's finished, and further yet, it might be unfeasible altogether to assess who and what actually qualifies as media coverage.

Juggernaut CNN has taken an absolute beating this week from social commentary, and nothing sums it up better than this 90-second compilation of Wednesday's coverage. But really, who are we kidding? The 'WTF is going on?' reaction still takes people to CNN's website, TV channel, or any other platform they use. Their news tentacles reach further than any other mainstream source in the U.S. (I wrote this sentence hesitantly, so please use my Comments section to explain why I'm wrong), and they are more than well-versed in the American Chaos news section; daily Wal-Mart shootings and missing children are their bread and butter. So I guess what I'm saying is: CNN fucking sucks and they make tons of mistakes, and hopefully one day somebody makes them entirely obsolete. But what are they saying now?

I've been glued to Twitter for the past week which, barring some kind of information sharing breakthrough (will never hap, right?), will forever remain my best friend and my weapon of choice when it comes to news. Besides how awesome it is, this current whirlwind newsplosion has reminded me of a couple things about it like:

1. There is always someone else you should be following
2. Following someone whose views and values run perpendicular to your own is not only fun but extremely interesting, so long as you can keep it all in perspective
3. Follow and read first, tweet second
4. You can't believe everything you read but you can cross-examine the sh** out of it until you know so much about the event that you can identify what PROBABLY is true and what PROBABLY isn't

So as per usual, the week's events of April 14, 2013 have been as fascinating and tragic in real life as they have been in terms of how we learn and discuss it. People were hurt, reputations were both vindicated and dragged through the mud, and nothing short of hysteria was carried out for day after day after day. Not to mention what happened offline.

News isn't getting more dependable nor is it getting easier to maneuver. In fact, I would argue it's becoming the exact opposite. But it's becoming much more elaborate, frenzied, and open to fact-checking, which makes the possibility of finding the absolute truth from the other side of the world shine through like a proverbial sliver of light.

Stay sharp, check your tweets, and lets all pray for this week's events to come to an end so that the rest of the world can catch up.

Cheers.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Super Bowl Commercials

The Good


I hope Paul Harvey got a free truck for this.



The Bad

I don't care which actors your company pulled, watching them banter isn't a concept.



The Ugly

Enough with the baby already.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Catfished


Some notes about the Manti Te'o thing:

1. To some degree, I think he was in on it. Can't wait to find how much.

2. Big, big ups to Deadspin for breaking this big messy story wide open. I hope their staff saw some nice bonuses from this one, and if you didn't know it until now, they're a legitimate news source.

3. If you can't get your girlfriend interested in college football after this, then it will NEVER happen.

4. What a great lesson this has been in pronouncing Hawaiian names.

5. Lance Armstrong gets all the breaks.

6. Next time you hear somebody say "oh my god, that story is so sad" I want you to remind that person that technically, somebody un-died. She was dead, but then we found out that she ever even existed, so now nobody's dead. Duh.

7. I'm disappointed in the stickiness of the name Lennay Kekua. I think once time has passed, people will forget who that is. Thankfully the name Manti Te'o is perfect.

8. Off-field weirdness doesn't affect on-field production. Te'o's draft ranking shouldn't change, and for the most part his future on the field in the NFL remains the same. If a team is scared off by this debacle and change their draft strategy because of it, well then they're stupid. *Raises eyebrows towards the Cleveland Browns*

9. No Such Dame, The Lyin' Hawaiin, Te'oing, Notre Shame, this, Fool's Gold, etc. are like my future children: I love them all equally.

10. Photoshopping a catfish into a football helmet is annoying as fuck.

11. Is this the beginning of Twitter detectives, or is that something that already exists?

12. It's pronounced Man-tie.

13. I think it's safe to say 'Catfished' is officially a popular verb. Your move, Mr. Webster.

14. I liked the movie Catfish. I hate the guy behind Catfish. I most certainly do not care for his lower back tattoo. I hate that he is appearing on TV as an "expert" on this subject now. I am terrified of one day being catfished.

15. A star linebacker responsible for the rebirth of one of the most well known college football teams in the country, stayed faithful to a long distance girlfriend that he had never seen in person OR ON VIDEO?! YEAH, OK.

16. Don't worry Manti, NFL players won't use this for trash talk at all.

17. FaceTime is free when used with WiFi.

18. Shame on all the news sources that didn't seek out a young girl's birth certificate in order to confirm that she was dead and therefore once lived. Shame on you.

19. I love Twitter.

20. Cheers.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Reading Stuff

**Insert vague introduction about the internet and the modern speed of communication**

Online reading material is connected at the hip with blogs, and I sympathize with the people who think of blogging as a soapbox for losers. The needle swings heavily that way if you were to somehow average out all existing online content, and there are only so many posts about summer vacations and cats one can read before they begin to paint it all with one brush.

But I like to read. And I say that with a complete and honest admission that I can't remember the last book I read. I remember, vaguely, the first couple chapters of the last three books I began to read, but stuff like YouTube videos of hockey fights and a shiny blue bouncy ball got in the way of those. I will never utter the horribly overplayed words "I SWEAR I HAVE A.D.D." because, quite frankly, someone with certification has never told me so. But I am most definitely a product of a generation that prefers the episode to the movie, the snippet to the story, and the bite to the meal.

So nestled somewhere within my disdain for the concept of blogs, my love for online reading and my fear of books, is a daily diet of articles from this here internet. Grantland has overtaken the letter 'G' from Google in my computer's search bar recognition, which is no small feat considering how popular the latter is with everyone on earth. The Awl is cool, I love Vice, and Fast Company has drawn me in several times for several hours.

But this isn't about listing off some neat websites I read. The point I'm trying to make is that 99.9% of the online content I read is written from, and about, somewhere else in the world. And in all honesty, the underlying sweetness of traveling the Global Village is being removed from Winnipeg goddamn Manitoba, even if my fingers clacking the keyboard are still here. The internet is the cheapest vacation you can take.

That being said, it's important to save at least a fraction of your peripheral vision for the space immediately surrounding your physical self. Reading local-ish publications is a great way to double check if your country's at war or not, what season it is, or whether or not your family is in the obituaries. Take part in your community a little, or whatever.

Enter The Spectator Tribune. Based out of Winnipeg, serving Western Canada and still wet behind the ears, so far it looks like a promising piece of internet real-estate that seems to "get" it. Bigger picture stuff mixed with local stuff. Funny stuff mixed with meaningful stuff. Basically, just lots of good stuff.

What sites like this offer that established news sources can't are whatever-who-cares humor. Articles written by people in an interesting place in the world and their life. And most definitely, youth. So consider this my endorsement. I like the cut of your jib, Spectator.

But what do I know. I'm just a blogger.

Cheers.


Monday, November 19, 2012

DA CLUB

So last night was like, tooooooo crazy. 
I got so drunk I stole the photographer's camera at the club! I just dumped all the pictures on my computer and I'm starting to piece the night together...


These betches were all competing for the limelight! The babe in the middle was all "back up, I wanna get a picture of my arm" and the girl in the yellow was all "back up, I have to fart".




Omg I totally forgot! Lou Ferrigno's brother was there!!! But he was wearing a blonde wig, so that was weird...




I'm actually sooo touched that they still let blind people in the bar. Jamie Foxx must've like broke so many barriers by playing that black guy in the movie about Stevie Wonder.



 How much you wanna bet the guy on the left's name is Tony? He was totally creeping on these girls all night, until he pointed at the camera when I took this picture and the girls were like "omg this guy is such a baller!" and they all went home with him.




 These guys were the nicest Mexican cowboys I've ever met. UNTIL I noticed buddy in the blue was wearing Ralph Lauren, and I thought 'Hm, what kinda cowboy wears Ralph Lauren?' They could tell I was calling their bluff though because they immediately called a cab on lefty's Blackberry.




 These guys were nice. They sold all their WOW Gold just for a night out on the town. You could say the guy on the left was the "brains" of the group because he yakked my ear off about mainframes and terabytes and blah blah blah. You could also say those women were hookers.




 I almost died! I've met a ton of spanish cover bands, but En Synco is easily in my top 5!




 All this guy wanted to talk about was Folgers coffee.




This guy could've had any girl in the club (CLEARLY) cuz they were totally harassing him all night. But just to play coy he chose this male horse jockey instead.



 I had never heard of Siamese twins being attached at the temple before, but these two kept going on and on about the surgery and how they wish they would've chosen getting separated over implants. This economy is just the worst.




 Cheers












 

Monday, November 12, 2012

A Few Good Tweets




Kyle Kinane Kyle Kinane @kylekinane
I have diarrhea from eating too many gummi worms last night. I am, quite literally, too old for this shit.

Jeffrey Hadz Jeffrey Hadz @Hadzilla
Somewhere out there someone in a wheelchair approaches a staircase wishing his parents never gave him that skateboard for Christmas.

Parky Parky @ImActuallySEAN
I think i'm gunna start dealing drugs. Not enough to make a lot of money, but enough to get into a lot of trouble.

James Hough James Hough @hihough
In the new Clint Eastwood movie, I hope he plays a man set in his ways.

Conor Tripler Conor Tripler @ConorTripler
*pops collar* *pops collars on shirt sleeves* *pops collar on waistband of pants* *pops collars on uggs* *pops fedora collar* Rdy 4 The Club

Tyler Pearson Tyler Pearson @Thewhiteside0@
"ahh it's fuckin TRIANGLES!!!" - guy I delivered pizza to. Apparently wanted it cut into squares. #priceless

Horse ebooks Horse ebooks @Horse_ebooks
Everything happens so much

Jeff Klinger Jeff Klinger @JeffKlinger
Please delete any texts you received from me last night. There will be no lunches, no hiking, nothing is a great idea, no do this again soon

Schindizzle Schindizzle @Schindizzle
"Speak softly and carry a glow stick." -- Theodore Ravevelt

 carlos carlos @famouscrab
dvds is a scam dont buy them u can just turn on any tv and they lterally have shows on it most days of the week!!!

 vladchoc vladchoc @vladchoc
What we have here is failure to communicate. No, hang on. Ok, no. It's a dog. Sorry, I didn't see the tail. What we have here is a dog.

 Megan Amram Megan Amram @meganamram
"I'm thinking of a letter between 'O' and '3'" - Russians